Do you really love your fish?
It was a rhetorical question. I can almost see their luxury aquarium, abundant air supply, and the best food available. You designed a marvelous underwater paradise for your fish. Although, I’d like to offer you something special and exclusive. I created this unique underwater statue to answer their spiritual and cultural needs. It is made of premium terracotta, covered with food-grade glaze. It is 100 percent suitable for the warm, wet environment of your aquarium.
I'm sure your fish will like it.
Its colors fit any typical coral reef scene. Yes, I’m aware of its phallic resemblance. And your guests as well. I’m sure that the obelisk makes your beloved aquarium much sexier and attractive. Even one who is not interested in fish will be amused. Despite the product’s marine nature, I ship by airmail. So it arrives really quick.
It looks weird. Why do I need it in my house?
It is somewhat similar to the most important part of a man. But it looks less bold. Actually it looks like chocolate-coated ice cream. I find it funny seeing it stand in a bowl. Imagine a bowl of cereal with milk, and there is such a thing in the middle of it.
"Why are you standing straight all the time? Sometimes you can lie down and take a break . . . Look at this colorful frenzy pillow,” I say to him. “Relax, my dear, you can be just what you are. Calm down. Stop pretending that you are . . . a cannon. Well, sometimes you are the Cannon . . .”
What was in my mind when I made this item of —
Fashion? Art? Worship? Houseware?
Once upon a time, in the summer of 2015, I read a long-titled book, Rituals and Other Habits of European Countries in the 19th Century. The book described a ceremony that villagers used to perform. They erected a giant penis statue, decorated it with flowers, and danced around it. They called it Maypole.
The Maypole gave a sign that May had come. It meant that everybody (men, women, children, old people—all of them) should dress up, pick some flowers, and dance around a nice big penis. Everyone blessed the penis to be durable, pleasant, and creative. Everyone danced, and everyone knew that the community’s mood and happiness depended on the good mood of the penis. The penis was a symbol. Great idea! Why aren’t we dancing like that now, in New York?
Another thing in my mind was the Kama Sutra book.
I read it once at an airport. Our plane was late, and we were stuck for hours. Airports are places of queues. It would have been awfully boring without the Kama Sutra with me. Nothing bothered me when I was reading the Kama Sutra—neither passport control nor customs. I opened the Kama Sutra, and the officers . . . faded out of my mind.
There was colorful Indian girl sitting and meditating.
She was sitting in front of a lingam. A lingam statue looks like a huge penis, standing in the middle of a bowl. What was she doing during the meditation? She was calming her mind, recalling some nice events related to some nice penis. Maybe she was trying to forgive another less nice penis. We do not know.
We do know (the book tells us) that sometimes she took a pitcher of warm milk (not cold) and poured it over the penis.
Maybe she wished the lingam to be in some wet environment (it is better for him, the lingam). Or maybe she wished the lingam to be healthy as a bull (milk is a symbol of health). Or maybe she wished him (the lingam) to look like a Belgian waffle inside Italian ice cream. Beautiful and delicious. What more is needed?
I deeply enjoyed creating my version of a Kama Sutra–inspired Maypole.
After I created a really successful one, I sat in front of it, looking and meditating. Was there peace between us? Was there happiness? Silence? I was listening to the lingam and to my own heart. Then I felt that this glistering, ever-hard creature sometimes like to be comforted. To sustain its masculine power, it sometimes need a soft place to lie down or curl inside. Then I made a pillow for the lingam. The pillow embraces the lingam, lulling him softly, “Take a break. You try too hard to be a hero all the time . . .” After a short rest, it is ready to serve you again, strong and sturdy as ever.